Martial Artist With a Mouth
by Grymloq
Summary: Ranma is Deadpool. Need I say more?
1. Chapter 1

Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi, not to me. For that matter, Deadpool doesn't belong to me either.

Martial Artist With a Mouth

Chapter 1

"Isn't there anything you can do?" Genma Saotome demanded, while a sobbing Nodoka embraced their infant son.

"Well, I have heard of this experimental treatment," the doctor replied, "but it's extremely unpredictable..."

Years Later

"Dammit, Pop, I can't believe you would do something so stupid!" the red haired girl screamed. She was short, busty, and, most noticeably, had two katana strapped to her back in an X shape.

**You're surprised he did something stupid?**

_Are you going to be surprised at the sun being bright or water being wet next?_

Ignoring the voices in her head, Ranma (like you didn't know who she was) continued, "Picking my fiancée for me? Without even asking me? Have you lost your tiny mind?"

_Yeah, how can any woman marry you and not wind up being committed?_

**To say nothing of any kids you'd have...**

Ranma kicked the panda she'd been berating through a nearby wall than turned around. "I'm going back to China and finding a cure, so suck on that!" she snapped.

Genma (again, you knew who it was) simply grabbed a street sign that had been uprooted by their tussle and whacked his offspring over the head with it. Rather than knocking her out, however, it only pissed her off.

"Okay, that's it! I'm gonna turn you into panda steaks!" Ranma snarled and leaped towards Genma with her swords drawn.

_"Turn you into panda steaks?" Real frigging original, there._

**Couldn't you have come up with something better?**

"Shut up!" Ranma shouted, before Genma took advantage of her momentary distraction and clobbered Ranma with the sign again, this time much harder.

That did it. Ranma slumped down, a dazed expression on her face.

"Pretty little bunnies..."

Meanwhile, at a the Saotomes' destination, the Tendo household (duh):

"A fiancé?" three girls said simultaneously, disbelieving expressions on their faces.

"That's right, girls," Soun Tendo said, tears streaming down his cheeks, "one of you will marry the son of my old friend, Genma Saotome, and carry on the legacy of Anything Goes!"

"Don't we have any say in who we marry?" Akane demanded.

"I hope he's not younger than me," Kasumi said, "younger men are so... young."

"What's this guy like? Is he cute?" Nabiki said.

"I have no idea," Soun replied, "I've never met the lad."

"You engaged us to a boy you've never even met?" Akane said.

Before Soun could reply, a soprano voice rang out from outside the house:

"Dammit, Pops! Put me down!"

"Oh, that's him now!" Soun said happily. His happy mood was interrupted when a panda crashed through the door, slamming on the floor next to him. It was carrying a large pack and sporting a large lump on its head.

"When I say put me down, I mean put me down!" Ranma said angrily, storming her way into the room.

_Well, that can't be a way to make a good first impression._

**It does make an accurate one, though...**

"Um.. excuse me," Soun said timidly, "You wouldn't happen to be...?"

"I'm Ranma Saotome," the redhead confirmed, then smiled and said, "Please, no applause!"

The Tendos all looked confused by this statement, prompting Genma to get up off of the ground and whack Ranma upside the head. He then held out a sign saying #You're hallucinating again.#

Ranma shook her head, then said sheepishly, "...oh yeah, sorry 'bout that."

"Well, no matter!" Soun said, snapping out of his confusion, before happily embracing Ranma, "welcome to our... home..." He trailed off when he noticed two things on Ranma's chest that should not be there.

Nabiki leaned in for a closer look. "He's a she!" she exclaimed.

"But... Genma said he had a son!" Soun stammered.

"Does this look like a son to you?" the middle Tendo daughter demanded, grabbing Ranma's chest for emphasis.

"If you're gonna feel me up, at least buy me dinner first," Ranma quipped, prompting Nabiki to quickly let go and back off. (Although whether it was from the knowledge that she'd been groping another girl or from the mention of spending money is unknown.)

Suppressing a snicker, Akane walked forward. "Nabiki! He... she is our guest!" she said, before turning to Ranma. "Hi, I'm Akane. Want to be friends?"

_Wait 'till she gets to know you. She'll change her tune then._

**I can't think of another comment to add to this!**

"Uh, sure," Ranma replied.

Later, inside the dojo:

"You do kenpo, right?" Akane asked.

"A little," Ranma replied, "I can also give a mean katana wedgie. Wanna see?"

"Uh, why don't you just keep the swords sheathed," Akane said, sweatdropping.

"Okay, your loss," Ranma said regretfully.

**How is it her loss?**

_It'd only be her loss if you decided to show her anyway._

"Want to have a little match?" Akane asked, "Just for fun?"

"Sure!" Ranma said, brightening.

**Oh god, try not to go overboard.**

_Or at least don't break any of her bones._

"Ready when you are!" Ranma said cheerfully.

"All right, here I come!" Akane shouted, and charged forward. She was abruptly thrown back by the kick that connected to her stomach. Akane landed hard, then quickly turned over to avoid the axe kick coming for her head. She blanched when she saw that Ranma's foot at smashed a hole in the floor.

"What's wrong with you?" she demanded. "We're just having a friendly match here!"

"Oh, sorry," Ranma said sheepishly. "I got a little carried away."

"A LITTLE carried away?" Akane said disbelievingly. "What happens when you get a LOT carried away?"

"You don't wanna know."

Later, in the furo...

"I guess I should tell them," Ranma said, having now returned to his male form, "it's not like they're not gonna find out anyway."

**Are you sure? You could try to keep it secret and go to extreme lengths to keep them from seeing your guy side.**

_That would be pretty funny. It could lead to all sorts of hilarious misunderstandings and..._

The voices in Ranma's head were interrupted when the door opened and Akane walked in wearing her birthday suit.

_...well, there goes that idea._

**Talk about a missed opportunity.**

The two teenagers stared at each other for a few minutes. Ranma broke the silence:

"Like what you see?"

Akane walked back and shut the door behind her. A few seconds later, Ranma heard her scream.

"What was that about?" he asked.

**No idea.**

_Beats me._

The other denizens of the Tendo home heard her scream. "Akane, what's wrong?" Kasumi asked.

"There's a pervert in the bathroom!" the youngest Tendo responded.

"Hey, I'm not a pervert!"

The girls turned towards the voice and saw the now fully-dressed and still male Ranma. "I'm Ranma Saotome. Shouldn't you be getting dressed?" he said, pointing to the still completely nude Akane.

"Wha- AAAH!" Akane shrieked, then ran out of the room, covering herself with her hands.

"Strange girl," Ranma commented.

"So cold water turns you into your cursed form," Soun said, "and hot water restores you to your normal form." He then poured water from a tea kettle onto Genma's head, restoring his humanity.

"Hot water, not boiling!" Genma said, wincing in pain.

"Didn't you know how dangerous the springs were before going in?" Kasumi asked.

"Who still believes in magic and curses this day and age?" Genma snapped.

"Okay, you actually have a good point there," Nabiki said, "but shouldn't you at least have done your research first?"

"I did!" Genma said defensively, "I got this!" He held out a pamphlet.

"Let me see that," Nabiki said. Genma handed it to her. "You can't read Chinese, can you?"

"Correct!" Genma said, before Ranma kicked him upside the head.

"You idiot! This is all your fault!"

"Quit whining!" Genma replied. "You sound like a girl!" With that, he hurled Ranma into the koi pond before he had a chance to react. "Were you not prepared to give your live for the sake of your training?"

"My life, yes!" the now female Ranma replied as she erupted out of the water, "But my manhood is another story!" Ranma then kicked his, or rather her (gender-specific pronouns are confusing with Ranma!) father into the koi pond where he... she (whatever) had just emerged from.

"Well, your problem is not so bad!" Soun said, putting a happy face on.

"What do you mean, not so bad?" Ranma said incredulously.

_Shoot him. Shoot him in the face. Shoot him dead._

**He can't. His guns are still in his pack. Plus there's the whole "He's a guest in this idiot's house" thing.**

"You're only a woman some of the time. That means you can still marry one of my daughters!" Soun pushed Ranma towards the aforementioned girls. "Kasumi is nineteen, Nabiki is seventeen, and Akane is sixteen. Pick which one you want and she'll be your fiancée!"

"Oh, he wants Akane," Kasumi said.

"What?" the named girl shouted.

"Yeah, sis," Nabiki joined in, "he's perfect. You don't like boys, and he's only a boy half the time."

Ranma spoke up, "Uh... if she doesn't like boys, wouldn't that mean-"

Akane interrupted her, "Don't you dare finish that sentence, you pervert!"

"Like I said before, I am not a pervert!"

"Oh really?" she snarled, "then what was with that 'like what you see?' crack, huh?"

"That was a little thing called a 'joke.'" Ranma said.

"Well, you're not very funny then!" Akane retorted.

**She's got you there.**

_Perceptive, that girl is._

**Who are you, Yoda?**

_Shut up._

"Both of you shut up!" Ranma snapped.

Akane looked confused. "Both of me? There's only one of me."

"I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the voices in my head."

"Voices in your head? Are you crazy or something?"

"Little bit," Ranma admitted. "But I don't see why you're so mad! It's no big deal for me to see a naked girl. I've seen myself plenty of times, and I'm better built to boot!"

Akane's response to this was to clobber Ranma over the head with a nearby table, slamming her down onto the ground. Ranma popped right back up, a lump forming on her head, which quickly shrank back down.

"What did you do that for?" she demanded. In her eyes, a banner dropped down beside Akane, proclaiming: THIS IS THE GIRL YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY! OR KILL! OR BOTH!

She then noticed Akane staring at her. "What?" Ranma asked.

"You had a lump on your head, that just... disappeared," Akane replied, still staring. The rest of the Tendos were staring as well.

"Oh," Ranma said, "that. Let's just say I heal fast and leave it at that."

**"Heal fast?" Real believable explanation there.**

_Gonna try putting it off for a little while longer, I see._

End of Chapter 1

This will gain additional crossovers as the story goes, specifically _Aliens_, _Sailor Moon_, and _Evil Dead_. There may or may not be yet more crossovers as well.

I don't know if I'll have Ranma and Akane get together, or just continue to fight. Whatever the case, it won't be very important to the plot.

This is my first fanfic, so please go easy on me!


	2. Chapter 2

I own neither Ranma nor Deadpool.

Martial Artist With a Mouth

Chapter 2

"School?" Genma asked nervously.

"Yes, Saotome," Soun replied, "I think Ranma going to school is an excellent idea."

**Huh boy.**

_Is there any chance this won't end in disaster?_

"What's your problem, Pop?" Ranma asked innocently. "The way you're acting, one might think that last time I went to school, there was a huge disaster that made you unwilling to ever put me in school ever again."

"What'd he do?" Nabiki asked, having guessed (correctly) that that was exactly what had happened.

"He set one of his classmates on fire," Genma replied, "on purpose."

"Hey, I had a perfectly good reason to do that!" Ranma protested.

"And that would be..." Nabiki said.

"It was really, really funny!"

All the Tendos stared at him, while Genma just pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation. Both families were gathered around the table, having just finished breakfast. Akane stopped staring first, and instead growled wordlessly and stood up, obviously still mad about the previous day's fight.

"C'mon, Nabiki, we're going to be late!" she snapped.

"Shouldn't you go with Ranma? After all, he is your fiancé," the middle Tendo replied with a smirk on her face.

"I'm not marrying that crazy pervert!"Akane snarled, prompting Ranma to respond.

"Stop calling me a pervert!"

**Couldn't help but notice you didn't deny the "crazy" part.**

_That would be like him denying that he turns into a girl._

"You'll still need to show him the way," Nabiki said, interrupting the impending argument.

"Fine," Akane growled, before turning towards Ranma, "come on then, nut job."

Later, as the two were arriving at Furinkan...

Akane shoved her way in front of Ranma. "Stay out of my way," she said, then charged forward, screaming, "I HATE BOYS! I HATE BOYS! I! HATE! BOYS!"

"What?" Ranma asked, before he saw the huge crowd of boys charging towards the youngest Tendo. "Okay, what the hell is going on here? I don't think it's another hallucination."

"It's not," Nabiki said, startling Ranma. He hadn't seen her there. "This happens every morning."

**This answers some questions.**

_And raises so many others..._

Ranma watched as the youngest Tendo waded into the fray, clobbering love-struck (or perhaps lust-struck would be a better term) idiots left and right, all the while screaming her hatred of boys. On one hand, Ranma could see why she was so cranky if she did this every day. On the other hand, it kind of looked like fun.

Akane, finished with her morning beatdown, dusted her hands off and looked around. The boys who had attacked her were strewn about, either moaning in pain, unconscious, or pretending to be. All of a sudden her hand shot up and caught the projectile headed for her. It was a rose.

"A rose?" Ranma asked, then looked around. "Is Tuxedo Pussy here?"

_Can't be. He never fights without the Magic Cheerleaders._

**Doesn't fight with them either...**

Ranma's musing (and that of the voices in his head) was interrupted when a voice came out saying, "Truly a such boorish lot." Ranma turned towards the sound of the voice and saw an older boy heading towards Akane.

"Good morning, upperclassman Kuno," Akane said, looking more irritated than ever. "Can we skip it this morning?"

"Surely you jest, fair one," Kuno replied, "for-"

Ranma interrupted him. "She doesn't seem like she's 'jesting' to me," he said, "and don't call her Shirley."

(A/N: Yes, I know that joke makes no sense in Japanese. Shut up.)

"Would you butt out?" Akane snapped at him. "This is none of your business!"

"I know it's none of my business," Ranma replied, "I just don't care." He nonchalantly walked towards Akane. "Still, it's kind of surprising how popular you are."

"And just what do you mean by that?" Akane demanded.

Before Ranma could answer, Kuno spoke up. "You there! You are being awfully familiar with Akane!"

"Yeah," Ranma said in a bored tone, "what's your point?"

**Who cares what his point is? It's clobbering time!**

_Flame on!_

**What?**

_As long as we're quoting members of the Fantastic Four..._

"What is my... who are you, fool?" Kuno demanded.

"I'm-" Ranma started, but Kuno interrupted him.

"Is in not customary to give one's name first? Then it is mine I shall give!"

"Uh... okay," Ranma said, at a loss for words (for once).

"I am Tatewaki Kuno! Rising star in..."

"Okay, that's about all I need to hear!" Ranma cut in.

"Ah, I see my fame has spread far and wide!" Kuno said, beaming.

"No, I just think if I listen to you rant any longer, I'll probably go crazy." Ranma said. "Well, crazier."

"He's just staying with us, Kuno," Akane said, but that only made the wannabe samurai mad.

"Staying under the same roof as the beauteous Akane Tendo?" he snarled. "I will not allow it!" With that, he charged Ranma, swinging his bokken.

_Kill him._

**Kill him.**

Ranma smirked. "My name is Ranma Saotome," he said, "and I accept your challenge."

_Kill him._

**Kill him.**

_Kill him._

**Kill him.**

_Kill him._

**Kill him.**

_Kill him._

**Kill him.**

"Would you two shut up? I heard you the first time," Ranma muttered as he dodged Kuno's swings. Kuno stopped, confusion showing on his face.

"What did you say?" he asked.

"Nothing," Ranma replied, then continued in an almost conversational tone, "so exactly what are you trying to do here anyway? Go out with Akane? 'Cause this doesn't seem like a very effective way of doing it."

Clearly taking offense to that, Kuno charged forward once more. "You know nothing, fool!" he snarled. "Akane Tendo and I were meant to be! I shall get what I deserve in the end!"

Ranma didn't reply, he merely sidestepped and kicked Kuno's bokken out of his hands. Ranma caught the wooden sword, then jumped over Kuno before he had a chance to react. Landing behind the deluded kendoist, Ranma pulled Kuno's pants down and thrust the bokken forwards.

_Yeah, he got it in the end, all right._

**I don't think he's gonna want that bokken back.**

Meanwhile, several students were staring in shock.

"Did..." Nabiki started, before starting over again, "did he just shove Kuno's bokken up his ass?"

"Yes he did," a nearby girl replied.

Ranma grabbed the bokken still wedged very firmly up Kuno's colon and lifted both it and him up. "Hey look! Idiot on a Stick!" he said, smirking.

Akane couldn't breathe, she was laughing so hard.

Later...

"Class, we have a new student today," the teacher said, "his name is Ranma Saotome. You probably saw him-" he had to suppress a snicker, then continued: "outside earlier today. However," he turned towards Ranma, "you and Miss Tendo are inexcusably late. Both of you stand in the hall."

Moments later...

"This is your fault, you know," Akane growled.

"Wouldn't it be more that Kuno guy's fault than mine?" Ranma countered.

Before Akane could argue further, Kuno's voice came out: "RANMA SAOTOME!" The two teenagers turned towards the voice and saw the samurai wannabe charging them, an enraged expression on his face. They couldn't help noticing he was still limping from the effect of his wood enema. "I WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOUR ENGAGEMENT TO AKANE!"

With that, students seem to come out of the woodwork. "You're engaged, Akane? I thought you hated boys!"

"It was arranged by our fathers and I still do!" the youngest Tendo snapped.

Ranma, meanwhile, was dodging Kuno's strikes with a disgusted expression on his face. "Please tell me that's not the same bokken I shoved up your ass earlier."

"As you violated my blade, it is only fitting that I smite you with it!" Kuno snarled.

"And the smell doesn't bother you?" Ranma said.

"As if one of my noble bearing could produce anything in the way of an unpleasant odor!" Kuno replied.

"You're serious? You literally think your shit doesn't stink?" Ranma said, "or is your head up your ass so often you've gotten used to the smell?"

Akane chuckled at that. Ranma might have been annoying and insane, but he was also kind of funny.

Ranma was clearly growing frustrated. "Look, why don't we just take this outside?" he said, jumping out of a nearby window.

"Very well, miscreant, prepare to meet your doom!" the biggest idiot in Furinkan (which is saying something) replied, and quickly followed.

"Ranma, wait!" Akane called out. "We're on the third floor!"

"Oh please," Ranma replied, "a little fall like this is noth-" He then noticed the pool below him. "Oh goddammit..."

Ranma landed in the pool with a splash and Kuno joined him, now her, soon afterwards. As the former began swimming towards the pool's edge, the latter grabbed her. He froze when he felt Ranma's impressive bust. Ranma did not freeze, but instead launched him out of the pool with a powerful uppercut.

_He just had to grab that hard, didn't he?_

**Did we not mention killing him?**

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Ranma grumbled as she climbed out of the pool.

A few minutes later, Akane came running out of the school to find Ranma sitting in a tree, wringing her pants out. "Dumbass has a grip like a frigging python," she said.

"Here," Akane said, handing Ranma the kettle of hot water she was carrying.

"Thanks," Ranma said gratefully, but before she could take it from her unwanted fiancée, Kuno came charging seemingly out of nowhere.

"Where are you, coward?" he screamed. "Come out and face me like a man!"

"Change back while I distract him!" Akane hissed.

"To hell with that!" Ranma snarled. "I'm kicking his ass right now!" With that, the pigtailed martial artist launched herself at Kuno. The legend in his own mind turned and saw a beautiful maiden headed towards him. He then saw her fist colliding with his face and his world exploded in pain. Akane watched the brutal beating with no small amount of satisfaction. Although she preferred to be the one pummeling Kuno, the sight of the idiot getting severely injured always put her in a good mood.

After Ranma finished beating Kuno senseless, (not that he had much sense to begin with) she walked towards Akane, took the kettle and turned herself back to himself. "See ya," he said.

"Where are you going?" Akane asked.

"Back to the house," Ranma replied. "I've had enough of this place for one day."

Akane didn't know why she followed, but she did.

When they arrived back at the Tendo household, Kasumi was surprised to say the least. "What are you two doing home so early?" she demanded.

"Things got a little hectic once everybody found out Ranma and I are engaged," Akane said.

"If I had stayed there for much longer, I would have committed murder," Ranma added.

"Ranma don't even joke about that," Kasumi chided.

"I'm not joking," Ranma said. "I literally would have killed someone. Probably Kuno."

"Then why didn't you stay?" Akane asked. "I'm not joking either."

"Akane!" Kasumi said, aghast.

Ranma just chuckled and headed towards the guest room where he and Genma were staying.

_You know, if she finds out about your line of work, Akane might just pay you to kill Kuno._

**She shouldn't even need to pay you.**

As Ranma entered the room, he heard a ringing. Recognizing the sound, he picked up his pack, opened it, and fished out a cell phone. "Should've carried this with me," he mumbled.

**Then it would have gotten ruined when you took your impromptu swim.**

_Impromptu? Ooh, big words!_

Ranma answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Is this Deadpool?" the voice on the other end of the phone asked.

"Hang on," Ranma said, pulling a red mask out of the same pack he'd pulled the phone out of. After making sure nobody was watching, he pulled the mask over his head. It was all red, with white spots where the eyes should be, and large black circles around them. (You know what it looks like, people!) Ranma reached behind his head and fiddled with the small slit in the back, pulling his pigtail out. He then brought the phone up to his ear once more.

"This is Deadpool," he said.

End of Chapter 2

Guess who the classmate Ranma set on fire is. If you guess right, you'll get a big batch of cookies lovingly baked by Kasumi. If you guess wrong, you'll get a big batch of cookies angrily baked by Akane.


End file.
